Wednesday, March 29, 2006

No Bogus Apostrophes, Dude

Apostrophe. It sounds like the title of a Greek tragedy. Apostrophe was Antigone’s sister; you know, the possessive one.

But what’s really tragic is that so many people treat apostrophes like maraschino cherries, adding them to words whether they’re needed or not.

I see examples like this all the time:

• Back in the 60’s
• Apple’s - 3 for a dollar
• Womens’ restroom

Here’s how they should be spelled:

• Back in the ‘60s
• Apples – 3 for a dollar
• Women’s restroom

I know, I sound like an anal retentive, nitpicky cuckoo clock, but bad punctuation makes me all fatootzed. Sure, I have my own love-hate relationship with commas, but that’s another story.

And when I master the comma sutra, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Monday, March 27, 2006

When Do We Eat?

“When Do We Eat?” is new film about a Jewish family coming together for Passover. What’s the premise? Angst, dysfunctional family dynamics, and food. Like you had to ask.

Why is this film different from all other films? Because in this film, just prior to the beginning of the Seder, the family patriarch is slipped a tab of Ecstasy. Dude, this horseradish is so intense.

It opens on April 7th in LA, Orange and Riverside counties. Looks like we San Diegans got passed over.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

And Your Little Dog, Too

My plumber recently told me that the guts of my office toilet are held together with Elmer’s glue and dental floss. He suggested replacing it with a Toto. Huh? The only Toto I’d heard of was a small, yippy dog that helped turn Judy Garland into the patron saint of gay men.

After a little research, I learned that Toto is the largest manufacturer of toilets in the world, producing more than seven million toilets annually.

But it gets better. I took a look at their products and nearly plotzed. They don’t just make toilets; they also make washlets. Who knew relieving oneself had become so evolved?

A washlet is sort of like a combination toilet, bidet, and sprinkler system. The Toto Washlet S300 features a heated seat, an automated lid, an aerated rinsing system with temperature control, a warm air dryer, and a self-cleaning system. And it comes with its own wall-mounted control panel and remote, so you can alert your commode to your arrival, and have the seat and spritzer set to your preferred temperatures.

Save me a prune Danish.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Just a Little Off the Top, Please

Here in SoCa, getting a nip here and a tuck there seems almost as common as getting an oil change. I see evidence of boob jobs and facelifts almost every time I leave the house. But a recent article in the LA Times described a disturbing trend in the quest for The Perfect Body – labiaplasty.

That’s right; women are going under the knife to create the perfect Porn Star Vagina.

Look, I’m all for making the land down under more attractive. And I’m totally down with the whole pubic hair as topiary idea. You wanna turn your unruly Bermuda Triangle into the gardens at Versailles? Grab a beard trimmer and have at it. But slicing up your labia, that’s another story.

It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “tight-lipped.”

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Passover Candy Update

So I searched for Passover candy and found one resource. The Source for Everything Jewish offers a dark chocolate Seder plate and a box of chocolate plagues.

The Gentiles get jellybeans, chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies, and those ubiquitous pink and yellow marshmallow Peeps. We get plagues.

We escaped slavery in Egypt, parted the Red Sea, spent 40 years in the desert, and we get rewarded with what? A box of chocolates depicting locusts, boils, lice, flies, bovine disease, frogs, hail, darkness, dead babies, and a river of blood.

Better get an extra box for Elijah.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Which Came First, the Schnecken or the Egg?

I grew up in the Land of the Mixed Message, so when I was very young I got an Easter basket every spring. I had no idea Easter wasn’t a Jewish holiday. I thought it was an addendum to Passover. After sitting through two very long dinners and eating matzo for a week, it made sense to be rewarded with jellybeans and chocolate eggs.

And then I went to Hebrew school and the Easter baskets stopped. But every March I still have a Pavlovian reaction to pastel colored foil. Don’t get me wrong; I love Jewish sweets. I mean, who can resist gooey schnecken or chewy rugelach or Zabar’s chocolate Dalancey Swirl Cake?

But there’s no actual Passover candy. (And those squishy kosher gum droppish things don’t count. My grandparents ate them year round.) I want something that says “Passover.” Something I can find at any supermarket or drugstore.

Let my Peeps go.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Your Windsong Stays on My Mind

German fragrance manufacturer Vivaeros has decided that the scent of a woman’s vagina belongs in a bottle. Their latest offering, Vulva, is supposed to remind you of “an authentically natural vaginal flavour.”

Since when has all womankind been reduced to one scent? And if my vagina has a “flavour," it’s most likely Cherry Garcia.

So, girls, if those personal ads aren’t working out, simply spritz yourself a few times with Vulva, and jump on a crowded subway.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Sigalert Stigmata

If you’ve ever spent any time in SoCA and listened to a traffic report, you’ve probably heard the term “Sigalert” once or twice. The official California Highway Patrol definition of a Sigalert is "any unplanned event that causes the closing of one lane of traffic for 30 minutes or more."

It turns out that Sigalert was named for Loyd C. Sigmon, a broadcast engineer and co-owner of KMPC-AM radio in Los Angeles. Sigmon developed a shortwave receiver and tape-recording device that would activate when it received a special tone sent out by the police dispatcher. When major accidents occurred, radio stations could record the information and then relay the news to their listeners. The first "Sigmon traffic alert" was broadcast over Labor Day weekend, on September 5, 1955.

But what really fascinated me about Sigmon is that he's a native of Stigler, Oklahoma, and in World War II was assigned to the Army Signal Corps. Coincidence? I don’t think so. In fact, I think Sigmon, originator of the Sigalert, was phonetically stigmatized.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Why We Neuter Our Pets

This is what happens when we don’t snip our male dogs. Especially if they can hold their breath, swim underwater for long periods of time, and are attracted to shellfish.

Actually, this cuddly little creature is a recently discovered species of crustacean called the Kiwa hirsuta. The name comes from Kiwa, the goddess of crustaceans in Polynesian mythology.

Who knew treyf had its own deity?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Follow the Bouncing, er...

Leave it to the Brits to create a sports bra advertisement that doubles as soft-core porn.

And after being mesmerized by the demo, my “girls” were thinking the same sorts of thoughts that regular dogs think when they watch the Iditarod.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

By the Baitzim

While driving to yoga this morning, I was subjected to another sort of enlightenment. Red, plastic pendulous baitzim hanging from the back of a truck in the next lane. Before you run off to, baitzim is Yiddish for balls, nuts, scrotum. You get the idea.

This I didn’t need at 6:00 a.m.

Buddy - FYI - even without the added baitzim, your huge, black, jacked up Ford F-250 with those three foot tall tires and tacky silhouettes of busty women on your back windows already screams, “Big schmendrick. Keep back 300 feet.”

There's really no need to advertise your shortcomings.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Much Ado About Drizzle

Note to all SoCa meteorologists: Lighten up! Just because a drop or two of rain is in the forecast, don’t go all Chicken Little on us by screaming “Storm Watch!” every minute.

We had a lousy 12 hours of light rain. Not a downpour, not an El Nino, not a monsoon.

Granted, there hasn’t been much precipitation around here since last August, but that doesn’t mean you need to get us all fatootzed with your meshuggeneh predictions. And what the heck am I gonna do with a bunch of sandbags, duct tape and plastic sheeting? Build a sukkah?

Stick to what you know: partly cloudy with a high of 72, surf 2 to 4 feet.