I've Got Shpilkes...

...who could ask for anything more?

Shpilkes: Yiddish for nervous energy.

What is it with all these "cultural" Jews who can't be bothered to attend shul once in a while but want to reap the benefits of 5700 years of angst? What, you don't believe in G-d but when someone asks why you complain so much you answer, "Because I'm Jewish"?

Fine. But when you marry that shiksa and your offspring crave Wonder bread and Miracle Whip instead of a bagel with a schmear, don't come kvetching to me.