Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle

I don’t want a mobile phone with a camera. I want a phone that’s used primarily to make and receive calls. Is that too much to ask? Apparently Verizon thinks so.

I went to replace my phone yesterday and found that 99% of the new models come with cameras. Look, I’m happy with my digital camera, and I don’t need a pimped out phone with a bunch of extra appliances. Even if I had the option, I wouldn’t want a phone with a blender or a coffee maker or a hair dryer. Okay, maybe a hair dryer.

And I don’t intend to check email, do a Google search or watch The Godfather on a screen that’s smaller than a packet of sugar. I just want to call other people and have other people call me. What I really need is a couple of tin cans with a virtual string.

Hey Verizon, can you hear me now?

How Very Tongue in Um, Cheek

Apparently the stodgy alter kockers of snooty Scottsdale, AZ have their Depends all in a knot about the upcoming opening there of a new restaurant, the Pink Taco. The Las Vegas-based chain’s tagline reads, “Eating out never tasted so good.” Oh my.

I guess Scottsdalians consider the premise of the new eatery in bad taste.

Eau No!

I think the whole damn fragrance industry is smoking crack. A British company has introduced a perfume that smells like Stilton cheese, and toymaker Hasbro is debuting Eau de Playdoh. Yep, you too can reek of modeling clay. Just like a four-year-old.

Okay, unless you’re looking to have a three-way with Gumby and Pokey, why the heck would you wanna smell like the arts and crafts corner of a pre-school on a rainy day?

And Eau de Stilton? What are those Brits thinking? This is a Very Stinky cheese. And what about the other four food groups? Nothing like the scent of a sizzling burger behind your ears, or maybe a hint of Bermuda onion on your wrists and the essence of mixed nuts on the back of your neck. And don’t forget about day-old fish. That’s always a crowd pleaser, especially in warm weather.

I’m just waiting for the next trend. Animal excrement.

Could Jesus Be My Relative?

The movie “The Da Vinci Code” is about to hit theaters across the country. Now there's all this additional brouhaha about the premise of the story. What if Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they started a family that still exists today?

The way I see it, stranger things have happened. Two years ago the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. And recently, my mother finally began to refer to my girlfriend of eight years as my partner rather than my friend. So you see, anything’s possible.

And this got me thinking, what if I’m related to Jesus? I, too, come from a Jewish family with an identity crisis. We celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah, Easter (the part with the candy) and Passover. We even ate pork and shellfish. But we always attended Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services.

My father was born a Jew but didn’t really stick with the program. Jesus was born a Jew but didn’t really stick with the program either. It kinda makes you wonder.

Polly Wanna Gerund?

Birds can learn grammar. Okay, maybe you won’t find a bunch of crows sitting on a wire conjugating verbs, but according to a recent study,
certain starlings can distinguish between a regular birdsong “sentence” and one containing a clause or another sentence of warbling.

And it took UCSD researcher Tim Gentner just one month to train the birds to make the distinctions. So why does it take most Americans years to figure out the difference between “lie” and “lay” or “who” and “whom”?